gandhi apocalypse

Sometimes I wish I didn't have fingernails, because that way they would never get broken. But if that's my philosophy, then way not take away my bones and my heart, too? I'd rather not break them, either.

When will we own ourselves completely? Because I never would've taken Physics if I was actually in control of my life. And I'd never have obeyed those earthquake drills which were a waste of time, or forced pop music down my own throat, or smiled my sharpest-toothed smile at all those girls who never understood the words I used. I haven't owned myself once in my entire life and I think that some boy in the front row of this class probably owns me better than I own myself.

His eyes are blue.

I have a lot of spare time on my hands but I never get anything done. I keep forgetting to keep my own promises. I keep forgetting that I was going to be better tomorrow, yesterday.   

I worry that I'm going to self-destruct because I wish I had a hurricane named after me. And sometimes sunsets freak me out because I wonder if I'll never see another one. I wake up in the morning feeling very prone to tragedy, and I crave that dying of the light, the yellow-orange-red drip of the day's sweat over some faraway horizon, because a sunset is a such a gamble. 

I take pride in my personal tragedies. I wear my black eye like mascara. I treat sunsets like poker chips and how many can I get away with because it all has to come to a violent end someday. 

I shut the windows on the most terrible, glorious sunsets.

And tonight is not the last time I'll see the light.

Cheers,

Syl